In an attempt to discover more about myself, I’ve recently been pretty open and honest with those around me (both near and far). For the better part of my teenage and young-adult life, I’ve been pretty reserved in my decisions. Some might even go as far as to calling me “square”. I’ve never really been offended by it – I mean I’ve always been true to what I think was/is best for me, which is more than enough. After all, it brought me here. Here as in — I’m a university graduate. Here as in – I’m working full-time with an awesome group of people. But by the same token – my reservations have left me with this sense of “What if?”
Let me give you a quick example, but first I want to make it clear that, in no way, do I regret my decisions – I’m simply contemplating the journey that brought me, here. I’ve spent some quality – much needed – girls’ time with my partner in crime over the weekend (– you know who you are) and she came across pictures of our first year in University. Ah. Life in residence. There’s nothing like it. But as she kept swiping left to uncover the next shot of a “Common-room get-together-on-a-Wednesday-Night”, I was not only shocked by the number of pictures she had – but even more so by the fact I was nowhere to be found, in any of them. Zilch.
I was surprised, but at the same time, I wasn’t because I know exactly where I was when those pictures were taken… I was tucked away in my room. As my sidekick and I reminisced about our high-education experience, she’s always the first one to say that her first year in University was her best. Hands down. Not necessarily because she scored her the best grades or that she enjoyed the independence. No—she remembers meeting countless people and making new friends. She completely immersed herself in this new chapter of her life, while I chose to seclude myself and read.
Don’t get me wrong – University/college life is an important and significant part of one’s life (both intellectually and financially). There has to be some sort of balance between both study and party aspects of it all. Personally, I know my scale was tilted to the one side. At the time – I was in long-distance relationship (and had been for about 2 and a half years) and I felt like I had to limit my outings and partying to be respectful of his feelings. But as those pictures flashed before my eyes – I felt like I had missed out… on a lot.
My parents have raised me to value my education – and in no way would I ever want to compromise such a trivial part of my future. I’ve always been responsible and cautious, however, I think it would’ve been nice to let my hair down once in a while. Long-distance relationships are not easy, and it’s hard work. Nonetheless, in retrospect – I should’ve given myself a bit more room to breathe.
Whether you’re in a long-distance relationship or you live close to your significant other – trust is an essential piece of the puzzle we call a relationship. I kept my social life at a low in hopes of strengthening that trust, but now as I revisit this part of my life, I don’t think I completely understood the meaning of trust. At the end of the day, the person you’re with should make you strive, dream and motivate you to be the best person you can be. And I’m afraid that sitting in your bed, reading “Les filles de Caleb”, for the umph-teenth time isn’t my idea of being the “best person I could be”. I could’ve been doing a million other things – but instead I chose to withdraw.
He never stopped me from going out and having fun, it was never an issue. I purposefully chose to stay in instead of going out and those choices stem from the need to make him feel as though I was loyal and faithful. That’s where I think the definition of trust was a bit misconstrued in my mind. To trust someone is to have confidence in their ability and willingness to be loyal and faithful. Not the other way around.
Now, even if I felt as though I missed out on some pretty amazing memories – I can’t turn back time. Which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to be more open and try new things. And when I do meet that special someone, wherever he is, I will not prevent myself from doing certain things that could ultimately help me grow as a person, but instead I will take it upon myself to make him feel as though he can trust me with everything he has.
No one conjured up any luck by hiding away from the world. It’s time to get up, dress up and show up to start #gettinglucky.