When all hell breaks loose: I choose to dig my heels a little deeper

Fight. What a strong and impactful word. I mean — to fight for something or someone is the courage to put everything on the line despite the vulnerability of knowing that by doing so, it won’t necessarily turn out the way you had hoped for. BUT, you’re still willing to take a chance. To fight is more than to put your fists up and throw a punch, but rather standing up for what you believe in. For what you deserve. Although my heart was broken – I still have some fight in me. I’m determined to pick up the pieces, swallow my pride, and fight.

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There’s something to be said about fighting for those you love – and that’s precisely what I’m going to do. Now – some of you may disagree, claiming what’s meant to happen will happen. And I agree – I think life throws you curveballs just to keep you on your toes – or even redirect your path. Entirely. And in that moment – during that split second when you feel your heart stop beating and you can’t seem you catch your breath, while all these memories flash in front of you – time stands still.

That’s when you fight.

 

Fight for those I love. Fight for what I stand for. But most of all, FIGHT for me.

They say one’s true colors surface during the worst of times. Some choose to run away, while others dig their heels in a little deeper as they roll up their sleeves. Some may have their reasons to run away – run away from the pressure, run away from the hassle, even run away from the pain. BUT, I’m choosing to challenge it head on.

Because after all – I’m choosing to fight for the one I loved and still do. I’m choosing to fight for the one that was / is there, by my side, through thick and thin. I am choosing to fight ME. At the end of the day – you can tell a lot about a person’s character through their ability to deal with discomfort, and to be honest – I choose not to be remembered as someone who has taken the easy way out. I choose to be remembered as someone who is strong and resilient when dealing with adversity.

This may be my last heartbreak – and it may not. A breakup is painful, gut-wrenching and infuriating – and can make you say things you may regret. And if there’s one thing I’ve realized it’s that taking a knee and begging someone, who has decided you are not worth fighting for, to stay — is not the definition of fighting for the one you love.

The one thing I am most disappointed about my breakup is uttering four words – four words which have haunted me for a while now. “I. Will. Do. Anything.” I think through all of this, I’ve felt so angry and upset with myself for letting myself sink that low. They say in order to move on, you must forgive.

I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for losing sight of what’s important and what I deserve. As the initial shock of his words shook me to the core, I stood there – afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being too weak, afraid of not being good enough for anyone else. Stressful situations make you say outrageous things – and if I could take those words back, I wouldn’t. No – That’s not a typo. I wouldn’t. We’re humans and we all make mistakes and instead of resenting what I said, I choose to forgive.

As I said earlier – we can really see one’s true colors during the worst of time, and from what I can tell I am someone who is willing to bend over backwards for those I care about the most and being thoughtful is a great quality to have. However, this very quality is my BIGGEST flaw. If being too thoughtful is even a thing – then, I totally get it. I enjoy doing, making, buying and planning things for those I love – and even more so for the person I am with. I often get so caught up in pleasing them – I completely forget about what I want, what I need and what is best for me.

A person’s true self shines through during the most difficult times (– or in some cases, life changing times). But ultimately – it’s not those worst times that define you, it’s how we deal with them. I’m choosing to deal with this testing situation by fighting and forgiving. I am fighting for the one who will be by my side forever and I am choosing to forgive myself and move on.

 

I may still have miles to go — but you can count this as my first step towards  #gettinglucky.

 

M.

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